An unlikely terror
by xfmoon
Summary: Scary things come in all shapes and sizes.


**A/N: **This fic is supposed to be fun and not scary, so don't worry too much about the title or summary.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing affiliated with The Mentalist.

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The clock stroke 12.30 a.m. exactly. He could hear the hands as they moved into place on the clock in the bullpen. Tick, tick, tick. Nobody was around anymore, not at this hour. The building abandoned for the night, leaving it shrouded in black, except for one little light shining in the darkness. A light that seeped out from under the door and through the blinds of the office of CBI senior agent Teresa Lisbon. She had always been his beacon of light in the darkest of crimson nights. As the seconds hand had made its rounds once again, coming around and dragging the minute hand with it, click, ageing the world by a minute, an awful scream was heard coming from Lisbon's office.

Jane was up and out and off his couch in a matter of seconds. He hadn't seen or heard anyone go near her office, but that however didn't mean that nothing couldn't happen. Screaming was one thing, but Lisbon screaming was an entirely different deal. He reached her door and tore it open, barging in - like any other day - shouting frantically, while looking left and right reconnoitering the room. _"What? What? What's going on? What happened?" _What he saw however made him stop dead in his tracks. Lisbon was standing on her sofa, looking like something was about to eat her.

_"Oh Jane, thank God."_ She exclaimed.

Now there was a statement not often heard coming from Lisbon, he thought. Seeing her safe and sound - with no one else in there that shouldn't be - he relaxed, even though she for some reason seemed frightened. His adrenaline rush subsided and along with it his erratic heart rate slowed and evened out. He breathed out letting go of the worry. _"Are you alright?"_ He asked just to double check.

_"Yes, but could you please do something about that."_ She said and pointed to the floor.

He looked down and what he saw made a wave of spontaneous giggles come out of his mouth. And he couldn't seem to stop again. After a minute or so he had to clasp his stomach, because laughing this much was rather painful.

_"Quit it!"_ He heard her say through the laughing haze, cramps denying him from answering.

_"It's not funny!"_ Her tone had taken on a sharp edge.

_"It is... a little funny."_ He managed through sobs of joy.

_"Jane, would you please just help me out here?"_ She had resorted to begging now.

_"Sure."_ He said, coughing the last laughter away and drying his eyes with the back of his hands. Then he looked back up at her. Still standing there on the couch like a child playing 'the floor is lava'. _"Couldn't you have just used your gun?"_ He asked.

She pointed at her desk on the other side of the room. _"Too far away."_ She said playing along.

He could just imagine her standing there, barefoot on the couch, gun in hand, ready to fire at any and all intruding... _"Spiders..."_ he said as he picked up the little guy off the floor. It weren't much bigger than a large button. _"Did you know that there are around 40,000 kinds of spiders? And that the word itself actually comes from an acronym? And that…" _

_"Fascinating stuff, Jane."_ She interjected. _"Now just kill it, or get rid of it, or something."_

_"How about I just do this."_ He moved in her general direction with the animal in his hands.

_"No! NO! Jane stop it! Don't do that!"_ She squealed while simultaneously moving to the farthest end of the couch.

He smirked and backed off.

"Very mature Jane." She said with a sulk.

_"Oh come now Lisbon, it's not like I was going to throw it at you or anything."_

She eyed him suspiciously. _"With you, one can never be too sure."_

He faked a frown and very demonstratively went out the door with the little animal. A few moments past and he came back. _"See."_ He said and held up his empty hands. _"All gone."_

Lisbon didn't look convinced. _"You sure you didn't just put it in your pocket." _

_"Gee, woman of no faith."_ He rolled his eyes at her.

_"So what did you do with it?" _Caution marred her words.

He looked at her secretively and held up his index finger to his mouth.

_"Jane come on."_ She whined.

_"A guy's gotta have some secrets." _

_"Not when it comes to ugly insects."_ She growled.

_"Well technically spiders aren't insects, they're..." _

_"As if I care."_ She bit back before he had a chance to finish.

_"Come now Lisbon, there's no need to be so grumpy. I swear it's nowhere in this room. Scouts honor."_ He said and held up his three middle fingers as an oath.

_"Like you've ever been a boy scout."_ She said as she carefully stepped down from the couch as though making sure there were no more spiders she could accidentally step on.

_"How do you know?"_

She quirked an eyebrow at him and he smiled glad to leave the topic before it turned into a third degree about his better-to-be-forgotten-childhood.

She made her way to the desk and sat down in her chair, making sure to avoid eye contact.

He sat down on the couch in the spot she'd just vacated eyeing her for a moment. _"So... Spiders."_ he said mockingly.

_"Don't Jane!"_ She warned.

_"Don't what? I didn't do anything."_

For once. Lisbon thought.

There was a moment of silence - where Jane continued to stare and Lisbon fidgeted with some paperwork she probably had been working on before the incident - before anyone spoke again.

_"Damn."_ Jane exclaimed.

_"What?" _She questioned automatically.

_"Now I have to find something else to give you for your birthday."_

Lisbon looked like a question mark at the complete change in subject. _"What did you have in mind?"_

_"Oh you now, something small and fluffy."_ He said, his smile teasing.

She glared. _"Jane if you ever get me a tarantula I swear to God I'll shoot you."_

_"No. No I'm pretty sure that you won't do that."_ He said with conviction.

_"And why would you be so sure?" _

_"Because then who is gonna help you get rid of the tarantula again?" _

She had a disbelieving look in her eyes._ "So you would buy me a..." _Her face twisted in disgust. _"…a gross __thing__ like that, for the sole purpose of rescuing me from it?"_

_"Be kind Lisbon. __The thing…"_ He said with emphasis _"…has feelings too."_

_"I doubt it."_ She muttered under her breath.

_"And besides I'm all about saving damsels in distress."_

_"Really?!" She asked incredulously._

_"What else would you call what I just did?" _He asked curiously.

_"Pest control."_ She snickered a little at her own cleverness.

_"You're funny. Well don't count on me ever saving you from any big ugly spiders again. I'll just sit idle by while the next one tears your head off. Watch me!"_ He challenged.

_"Such heroics!"_ She mocked.

He straightened up a bit, expanding his chest as if receiving the accompanying honor.

_"So misunderstood."_ She cooed sarcastically.

He didn't let her sarcasm beat him instead he continued on. _"Isn't it about time you should be going home? Or are you afraid there's a monster waiting for you under the bed too?"_

_"You're not going to let me forget about this, are you?" _

_"I wouldn't bet on it."_

_"I thought so."_ She said nodding to herself in a defeated but not beaten manner. Then she added as an afterthought when it hit her. _"You're not going to tell the team, are you?"_

He smiled conspiratorially, and before she could issue any threats he said: _"Don't worry. I won't tell a soul, that our strong and fearless leader is afraid of small eight legged critters. Your secret's safe with me."_ She said nothing and he didn't blame her if she didn't completely trust him.

Silence filled the room once again. And once again Jane was the one to break it.

_"You know after all this, you are allowed to say it, I won't be embarrassed."_

She knew what he was getting at without explanation. She waited a beat. _"Thank you."_ It wasn't a hiss or a roar but a genuine declaration of gratitude, even followed by a little sideways smile.

_"There. That wasn't so hard now was it?"_

That comment brought back a little ice to the stare she sent him before turning her concentration back to her paperwork.

15 minutes later and Jane had made himself comfortable on Lisbon's white couch, sinking deep into the soft cushions, closing his eyes, listening to the taps of her keyboard and the way her pen moved over the papers she signed. Her soft breathing nearly lulls him to sleep.

Then Lisbon stopped typing, instead she was rocking the pen between her fingers. His mind registered the change. She was thinking of something. He could feel her eyes resting on him. _"Lisbon?"_ He asked without looking at her.

_"Hmm?"_ She had obviously been lost in some thought or other.

_"You're staring." _He pointed out.

_"I am not."_ She defended.

_"Are too."_ His childishness shot back.

_"How do you know? Your eyes are closed." _She argued.

_"I can feel it."_ Was the simple answer.

_"So now you're a psychic?"_

_"No."_ He cringed inwardly whenever someone accused him of being a psychic. He changed the subject. _"You should go home, it's late."_

_"I will. I just need to finish this."_ There was a sigh in her breath.

"_Well staring isn't very productive." _He turned his head and looked at her.

"_Well having you sprawled all over my couch is kinda distracting."_

He grinned. _"How so? I'm not saying or doing anything. Just lying here."_ Realizing her slip she blushed. He saw how it colored her cheeks in a lovely shade of pink, before she looked away.

_"You're right I should head home."_ That was his girl, finding a way to cleverly avoid answering the question. He smiled, closed his eyes once again and settled back into the couch, listening to her packing up.

When she was ready to go she hesitated at the door then she turned to him and said: _"You know Jane, I'm not afraid of all spiders."_

Like a sleepy though vigilant cat he cracked one eye open and looked over at her. _"Hmm, how so?"_

_"Have you ever read 'Charlotte's web'?"_ She asked. He smiled in response. One of his broad and bright ones. Then he nuzzled back down into the cushions once more saying: _"Goodnight Lisbon"_ as he did so.

_"Goodnight Jane. See you tomorrow."_ She said also smiling as she opened the door and left for the night.

Hmm 'Charlotte's web,' he thought. It had been one of his daughter's favorite books. And of course Lisbon was right. That was a nice spider, with an equally nice name. As he nodded off his mind's eye displayed a number of silky thin lines that turned into various and indefinite forms and shapes.

**xXx**

The first thing Jane heard the next morning was another high-pitched girlish scream. He giggled. Van Pelt must have found the gift he'd left trapped in her mug. Good thing Lisbon wasn't in yet, this was probably one prank she wouldn't have approved of. He could hear the team rummaging around the bullpen, through the thin walls. Rigsby - Grace's knight in shining armor - most likely already in the process of getting rid of the unwanted animal. They - Lisbon and Grace - both might be strong women, capable of taking care of themselves, but everybody needs somebody sometime. And as long as there were spiders that needed killing he'd be there for Lisbon.

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**A/N: **It's funny how inspiration works, I was doing the dishes when this hit me.

_Side note: _I had the strongest urge to write _'Saving people. Hunting things. The family business.' _up where Jane said he was all about saving damsels in distress. (Sorry SPN fandom reference - just ignore my multifandom brain).


End file.
